Thoughtful Tuesday: You have to Work Hard To Be Happy
When I was a little girl, happiness never came naturally to me. I felt that I was in a constant mood of quiet contemplation or indifference, which led my parents and relatives to perceive me as a shy, quiet girl, maybe even a little dull. As jokes turned to honest critics and then into harsh words, this idea of me VS my "bad attitude" as they would label it, boxed me into this idea of being a bad influence, some kind of "rebellious" sort, and I decided that happiness was never going to be mine. Apparently, what everyone else saw in me was that I did not have the capacity to understand it what it meant to be a happy, all-rounded individual, and thus am not allowed to receive or experience happiness in its fullest state, and after a while, I agreed with them.
However, over the years, working, living, breathing and being part of different people's lives and perspectives, I started to realize that my version of happiness does not coincide with many others. In order to be happy, some people believe in status and wealth. Others believe in knowledge and power, and others more in money and fame. These are all valid forms and expressions of happiness, but when I look at the happiness that I carry around in my hand, it does not fit into the holes that are labeled "happiness" in other people's hearts, and therefore I could never really give anyone happiness, because my happiness is unique to me, and it only fits the hole in my heart.
Having realized that my ability to give others happiness is fruitless, I then realized that there was one person that I could at least appease, and that was me. This, however, seemed to be a gargantuan task. How could I give myself happiness? Over the years, so many people had told me that I do not deserve happiness, therefore how was it possible that I, could accept the happiness that was in my hands? And that's when It dawned on me.
The happiness.
Was in
MY hands.
It wasn't in my mom's, or my dad's, or any of my sisters. It wasn't even in my girlfriend's or my best friends' hands. It was in mine. All I had to do, was raise my hands, to my chest, and push it in. Accept it. Feel it, become whole once more. The happiness that was being withheld from me finally made sense now. Others were comparing me with the happiness in their hands, and they were telling me " You don't deserve Happiness" because they thought they, just like I did, that happiness is something to be given to others. To be shared. Like that I realized, of course, I don't deserve their happiness. THEIR happiness would have KILLED me. I don't deserve that, nobody does.
To carry the weight of someone else's happiness is to carry the weight of someone else's burdens. Someone else's dreams and someone else's expectations. No one should be forced to be someone else, and that, is the real truth behind their rejection of me, and in that realization, I saw that in myself, I too had been judging others. I too had been holding up my happiness and telling others "You don't deserve happiness", because of course, no one did, no one except me, because no one can carry my dreams, my hopes, my expectations and my goals like I can, and no one ever will.
So from now on, I'm going to stop that. I'm stepping out of the ritual of holding up and comparing my happiness with yours. Your happiness is beautiful and unique, and so different from mine. I can never compare my happiness with yours, and that is OK. You are beautiful, and I love you exactly as you are. You deserve your own happiness just as much as I do. Let's work hard to make that happen for ourselves.
So now what. What do I do with my happiness? I have it here in my hands. Every day I wake up, and I know I have to put it on my chest. I have to feel it. I have to accept that this is my happiness, but I'm scared. I scared to face the full weight of my own expectations. I'm scared to look in the mirror and see myself for who I really am. I'm scared of being true. Being honest with myself. I scared or having an exchange of feelings and emotions of the brightest and most positive capacity something that only those of the highest level of being can resonate. On top of that, I also realize, I don't know how.
How do you have an exchange of feelings and emotions of the brightest and most positive capacity? How di you resonate with the highest level of being? What is it that can take you there, that can help you to reach that level of perfection? I breathe in, breath out, and I feel all the aches, the pains, and the sores. I have not taken care of my body, mind, and soul for so long, how do I start? Where do I start?
I recently was watching RuPaul on LA Made and he mentioned how happiness is hard work, and that was when it hit me that this is exactly what I have been avoiding; the hard work of achieving happiness. You can't just "be happy". It takes a lot of practice, devotion, time and effort to achieve happiness, and in order to fully understand an commit to it, you have to grow it, cultivate it, and mold it. Because although I do indeed have happiness in my hands, it is in a raw state. I can recognize the potential for it to fit into the happiness-hole in my heart, but not at it's current raw, infantile state. In order for it to fully blend into my being, I must commit. put in the time and effort, and most of all, love it into being. Without that, I will, never, truly, be happy.
Happiness is a feeling, a dream, a commitment and a skill. It's like a muscle you have to flex, and sculpture you have to carve, a race you have to run in order to reach it. Those fleeting moments of the burst of smiles and waves of bliss simply mark the path of happiness that you are walking upon. They tell you "Yes, you are on the right path. Keep laughing, keep smiling, and keep working. You will finally achieve your goal. You will reach Nirvana". and that, is where I'm heading now. I'm following my happiness, I'm living my best life. This is my happiness, and as much as I'm scared, alone and trying not to cry, I'm going to mould the shit out of this piece of sunshine that I have in my hands until it becomes a ladder that helps me touch the Sun itself.
'What is happiness to me?' I asked myself on my darkest day. When all the light is gone and I feel like I could no longer move another step forward, happiness seemed to be an exchange of feelings and emotions of the brightest and most positive capacity something that only those of the highest level of being can resonate with. If only I could achieve that state of mind, I had wondered in the past, maybe I could finally give to others the happiness they so desired to see within me.
However, over the years, working, living, breathing and being part of different people's lives and perspectives, I started to realize that my version of happiness does not coincide with many others. In order to be happy, some people believe in status and wealth. Others believe in knowledge and power, and others more in money and fame. These are all valid forms and expressions of happiness, but when I look at the happiness that I carry around in my hand, it does not fit into the holes that are labeled "happiness" in other people's hearts, and therefore I could never really give anyone happiness, because my happiness is unique to me, and it only fits the hole in my heart.
Having realized that my ability to give others happiness is fruitless, I then realized that there was one person that I could at least appease, and that was me. This, however, seemed to be a gargantuan task. How could I give myself happiness? Over the years, so many people had told me that I do not deserve happiness, therefore how was it possible that I, could accept the happiness that was in my hands? And that's when It dawned on me.
The happiness.
Was in
MY hands.
It wasn't in my mom's, or my dad's, or any of my sisters. It wasn't even in my girlfriend's or my best friends' hands. It was in mine. All I had to do, was raise my hands, to my chest, and push it in. Accept it. Feel it, become whole once more. The happiness that was being withheld from me finally made sense now. Others were comparing me with the happiness in their hands, and they were telling me " You don't deserve Happiness" because they thought they, just like I did, that happiness is something to be given to others. To be shared. Like that I realized, of course, I don't deserve their happiness. THEIR happiness would have KILLED me. I don't deserve that, nobody does.
To carry the weight of someone else's happiness is to carry the weight of someone else's burdens. Someone else's dreams and someone else's expectations. No one should be forced to be someone else, and that, is the real truth behind their rejection of me, and in that realization, I saw that in myself, I too had been judging others. I too had been holding up my happiness and telling others "You don't deserve happiness", because of course, no one did, no one except me, because no one can carry my dreams, my hopes, my expectations and my goals like I can, and no one ever will.
So from now on, I'm going to stop that. I'm stepping out of the ritual of holding up and comparing my happiness with yours. Your happiness is beautiful and unique, and so different from mine. I can never compare my happiness with yours, and that is OK. You are beautiful, and I love you exactly as you are. You deserve your own happiness just as much as I do. Let's work hard to make that happen for ourselves.
So now what. What do I do with my happiness? I have it here in my hands. Every day I wake up, and I know I have to put it on my chest. I have to feel it. I have to accept that this is my happiness, but I'm scared. I scared to face the full weight of my own expectations. I'm scared to look in the mirror and see myself for who I really am. I'm scared of being true. Being honest with myself. I scared or having an exchange of feelings and emotions of the brightest and most positive capacity something that only those of the highest level of being can resonate. On top of that, I also realize, I don't know how.
How do you have an exchange of feelings and emotions of the brightest and most positive capacity? How di you resonate with the highest level of being? What is it that can take you there, that can help you to reach that level of perfection? I breathe in, breath out, and I feel all the aches, the pains, and the sores. I have not taken care of my body, mind, and soul for so long, how do I start? Where do I start?
I recently was watching RuPaul on LA Made and he mentioned how happiness is hard work, and that was when it hit me that this is exactly what I have been avoiding; the hard work of achieving happiness. You can't just "be happy". It takes a lot of practice, devotion, time and effort to achieve happiness, and in order to fully understand an commit to it, you have to grow it, cultivate it, and mold it. Because although I do indeed have happiness in my hands, it is in a raw state. I can recognize the potential for it to fit into the happiness-hole in my heart, but not at it's current raw, infantile state. In order for it to fully blend into my being, I must commit. put in the time and effort, and most of all, love it into being. Without that, I will, never, truly, be happy.
Happiness is a feeling, a dream, a commitment and a skill. It's like a muscle you have to flex, and sculpture you have to carve, a race you have to run in order to reach it. Those fleeting moments of the burst of smiles and waves of bliss simply mark the path of happiness that you are walking upon. They tell you "Yes, you are on the right path. Keep laughing, keep smiling, and keep working. You will finally achieve your goal. You will reach Nirvana". and that, is where I'm heading now. I'm following my happiness, I'm living my best life. This is my happiness, and as much as I'm scared, alone and trying not to cry, I'm going to mould the shit out of this piece of sunshine that I have in my hands until it becomes a ladder that helps me touch the Sun itself.
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