Lord have I fallen

ahhh i dont know why i am always so nervous!! ive been avoiding starting work on this piece. i can do it, its just paint and paper.

 I need to finish this, it is kinda like my life depends on it, but here I am, mentally stuck, to tired to do it, too tired to not do it, resulting in turning on tiktok and having afternoon tea.

I know I should count my calories and watch my weight, but like, no one cares anyway? Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard. 

things in cups 

some ice coffee with banana milk

it probably has more calories than I need but I dont see anyone stopping me.

my daily mug cake. Yes, u heard me, daily mug cake. Like my teachers and parents said when I was a teen "you can't have an ed cause ur faaaat" - so yeah, mug cake, and moody, bite me. You know what's great about being an adult, no one tells u what to do, so I'm gonna eat my mug cake, drink my coffee, and try to wrestle myself into a choke hold, so that I can ease the panic rising and get back to work. 

If u are here reading this and u are not Ai, why are you here? I think ive made enough distracting elements all over the Internet, what are you looking for? Go watch all the happy colorful bobbles bouncing around, this place is dedicated to my reality, my pain, shoo, scram, let me rant in peace.

OK that got rid of the riff-raff, anyway, I have to finish this book. I feel driven almost by a sort of madness, to ensure that I get things done exactly how I've planned them in my head. I was hoping for days that I'd finally be able to sit down and record another YouTube video, another deep dive into weirdcore and dream core, however the game... the game feeds on my soul. I had hoped no one would play it, no one would ask me to finish it, but they asked, and I must now do as I promised, and chip away at this tree until it turns into the staff that it was always meant to be. 

I fear my own creation, and I am glad that no one pays me any mind. I hope when it is done, I can leave it and run as fast as the wind, and no one will notice that it and me are one and the same.

The power of humanity, is that it hates the weak, and I was born broken, destined to fail. this game, is too much for me to bear, and when it is made, there probably won't be much of me left. 

I hope I will find a way to be reborn. Until then, I fear ever step I take deeper into the unknown. 

Best case scenario - the game flops, no one cares, it fades into obscurity. 

Worst care scenario...it works. 

XD 

Thankfully ive been cursing every step of the way, there is no chance it will work. I can rest on my pessimism and self deprecation to hide its truth from prying eyes. 

This life has to be different, or else.